Nothing but the truth, part 2 Braxton...

In July of 2oo5 we became pregnant, we were excited to watch our family grow and even more excited for Katrena to have a sibling, our official due date was April 2, with a c-section tentively scheduled for march 28th. I had discussed with my doctor the concerns I had with what had happened with Katrena, he said that it was probably a fluke thing and that I would be properly checked that last month and so there was no need to worry.

On 11/11/05 we found out that we were going to have a boy although Trena was slightly disappointed we were thrilled to have a little boy. We threw back and forth names just like any couple, Brent wanted Bronson and I wanted Braxton. I told Brent he was to skinny to ever have a Bronson.

Just like Trena this proved to be a very un-eventful pregnancy with only a little bit of morning sickness in the first trimester, I was measuring right on and everything had looked good on the ultrasound.

On Christmas day I noticed that Braxton had not moved much throughout the day, but figured I wasn't really paying attention with all the excitement of the day. The next day I started to worry when I only felt him move once around lunch time. By the 27th I was becoming very concerned, I had not felt him move all day, I told Brent about my concerns and the lack of movement, we called the on call doctor and he said to go to labor and delivery and have a non stress test done. Now I was 26 weeks 4 days, an NST is not very accurate until you're 32 weeks. I did not know this or maybe things would have been different, but whose to say. We arrived at the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors, the nurse kept losing him on the readings, she said he had the hiccups and kept moving. Again, I felt NO movement or hiccups, I questioned her about this and she said that we don't feel every movement and I said that I knew this, it just still didn't seem right. Part of me did wonder if I was slightly paranoid due to my experience with Trena but I was at the hospital and they knew more than me right, wrong. The nurse called the doctor with the NST results and he said everything appeared to be fine and sent me on my way. This all took place from 10:30 pm to 2 am.

The next day I still felt no movement all day and was worried sick, this was also our anniversary. The next day on the 29th I awoke and went to work, about half way through the day I couldn't take it any more I called my doctors office and was scheduled to see the on call doctor in about 2 1/2 hours, my doctor was out on vacation. In the meantime I decided to walk to the gas station to get some juice or something, as I was walking back I doubled over in pain multiple times with sharp piercing pains to my abdomen. I decided to go to the doctors right then and there.

When I arrived at the doctors I was taken into the exam room and explained what was happening, the doctor was concerned maybe I was going into labor, but decided to listen to the heart beat prior to examining me. Dr Barton told me he could not hear the heartbeat very clearly and that we should go do a quick ultrasound. I laid on the table all alone, shaking and scared, Brent had offered to come with my but I told him to stay home and finish packing we were headed away for the weekend for our anniversary. I will never forget the look on the doctors face when he turned to look at me and said I am sorry there is no heartbeat, I can still hear the anguished gut wrenching sobs that left my body. I can hear the doctor, sounding miles and miles away telling me we don't know why these things happen... I can hear the doctor on the phone with my regular OB telling him what had happened and arguing about if we should do a c-section or induction. MY lazy piece of a dr didn't want to come in so he wanted me induced. The on call doctor, whom I later switched too, and I wanted a c-section. I was terrified that if I tried a VBAC my uterus would rupture and I'd never have another chance to have a baby. I remember sitting there on the chair so terrified and not knowing what to do, calling my mom because I didn't know how to tell Brent. And my mom then having to go over and tell Brent that our son was dead. I sat there waiting and waiting as I was in no condition to drive, I have know idea how Brent ever made it to me alive. As Brent walked through the doors we clung to each other with all that we had.

We were then sent to the hospital to have a repeat ultrasound to confirm the findings. Ultrasounds are supposed to be joyful and exciting they now terrify me. We couldn't even look at the screen we just looked at one another. My mom met us at the hospital, to offer additional support to us. That night we laid in bed and just cried and cried. Brent and I each received a beautiful blessing from our fathers of comfort and peace and for my surgery to go well. I remember sobbing as we first found out the news and asking Brent what would happen to our baby I was so scared he would just have to be discarded of like something unwanted. I was so relieved to learn that he could and would be buried.

On December 30th I arrived at Cottonwood Hospital to deliver my beautiful baby boy by c-section. I was so scared, I was shaking. My parents and his were there, I was relieved that it was the on call doctor and not my OB that had shown up to do the surgery and the assisting doctor was my mom's OB. Before the surgery we filled out the certificate of stillbirth, we still had not decided on a name, but came to an agreement on Braxton as that is what Trena was already calling him.

As I was wheeled into surgery I remember still being in a state of shock I was shaking so badly and rambling on and on, my O2 dropped during surgery, I was a wreck. I remember the feeling of him being removed from my body and the silence of the room that should have been filled with joy. The doctors said his coloring was so good, that he must have passed away shortly before I went to the doctors the day before. I have no recollection of when they placed my beautiful little boy in my arms, but I recall every detail of his face hands and body. He weighed 1 lb 13 oz and was 15" long. He was beautiful, he was perfect, but he had no beating heart. He had blonde hair, his eyes were shaped just like his dads, his nose and mouth reminded me so much of Trena's. He had long and skinny arms and legs, with beautiful piano fingers. As our families took turns holding him and soaking in every memory that we could, Brent kept his head turned away, he did not want to look to see all that could have been. Everyone left so that we could have some time alone with him and it was at this time that Brent finally held him. I will never forget the sight of my husband holding our beautiful little boy and sobbing "my son, my son" as we silently watched all of our hopes and dreams slipping away.

The hospital did so many sweet and wonderful things for us, when you go to the hospital knowing that you will not be bringing home your baby you are not prepared, nor do you know what to expect. The hospital had a sweet little outfit and small blankets that had been especially made for babies like ours. They let us use their digital camera and then put the photos on a disc for us, they took newborn portraits of him and gave us copies for free, in the photos a small gold ring was placed around his finger which I was able to keep. Lastly they did molds of his tiny hands and feet. My only regret was that I was not given the opportunity to dress him, I wish they had asked me; because I didn't think too.

I recall every time a baby was born and the lullaby would play in all the rooms, each time would bring on a fresh bought of trears, I was relieved when they asked me if I would rather have a room on the surgical floor, all I could think was yes, yes, yes.

I was wheeled upstairs still holding on to my baby boy, as I entered my room I was greeted with the two most gigantic beautiful flower arrangements from my work. It felt so good to know how loved I was. The hospital had said that we could keep Braxton with us as long as I was at the hospital but we decided that to start the healing process we needed to say our goodbyes that night.

Katrena had been gone visiting family and when she returned home my parents brought her to the hospital to see us, she had know idea anything had happened. My mom came up first and took Braxton down to the waiting room, then my dad and Trena came in and my dad left to join my mom leaving us with Trena to try and explain what had happened to our beautiful 4 year old daughter. The look on Trena's face as she walked through the door was unforgetable, she looked nervous and scared, she could tell something was up and kept looking all around the room. Brent and I had spoken with the nurses down in labor and delivery and asked what they suggested when it came to telling siblings. She said to make sure that they have the opportunity to see the baby, or else there is no closure for them, mom got fat and then nothing happened and now mom's sad, etc. She also recommended a book called "what happens when people die". Trena took in everything we said and we cried while our poor little girl just stood there looking more and more confused. When she was ready Brent went and got my mom and she came in the room holding Braxton, Trena was scared and didn't want to see anything more than Grandma holding the baby, after awhile we were talking about his long fingers and Trena decided she wanted to see him up close so she inspected his little body, she never wanted to hold him and that was ok, but sadly she regrets that now.

After Trena and my parents left it was time for Brent and I to say goodbye to our little boy. We both held him and cried some more and then called the nurse to let her know we were ready. Handing Braxton over to the nurse was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, knowing that I would never hold him in my arms again on this earth. I wasn't ready to let go, but then again I knew that I never would be. Braxton was born on Friday and I was discharged on Tuesday the 3rd, Brent stayed with me the entire time barely leaving to shower and eat, and only then leaving if my mom or his mom was there with me.

Plans were started immediately for his funeral, he was buried in a beautiful all white casket. Braxton wore a tiny little white blessing outfit, my mom asked if it would be okay if she dressed him for the funeral and I said I would love that, what comfort for me knowing he was being lovingly taken care of by my mom. My mom tells me all the time how thankful she was to have that time alone with him.

On Friday January 6th Braxton North was buried at Valley View Cemetary, where friends, family and coworkers came to show their love and support. It was a sweet short ceremony. Brent carried the casket from the limo to the grave it was one of the most gut wrenching sights I've ever seen. Joyce my mother in law gave the opening prayer, a letter I had written to him was read, a poem entitled Angel Lullaby written by my mother years before was read, my dad and current bishop conducted and read my letter, a family friend sang Families Can be Together Forever, and Art my father in law dedicated the grave. As we were leaving the cemetery there was a beautiful rainbow in the sky as if Heavenly Father was saying it would all be okay.

An autopsy report showed a healthy baby boy that died from basically suffocation, however this was not due to a cord problem. I was tested for multiple blood clotting disorders and all tests came back negative. The need for genetic testing was ruled out based upon the autopsy report, we were left with no real answers, and more questions.

I would like to say the healing is a fast process, but its not, I am still healing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little boy and what might of been, of how different our lives would be if he was here. Losing Braxton changed our family forever. It changed me forever, I know that I am not the same carefree happy person I was prior to our loss. I still find that I am more guarded I don't let others in as easily, I don't invest as much into relationships and I have allowed valuable friendships to slip away. I am not proud of any of this, as a matter of fact I am ashamed. I am actually writing these posts as a form of therapy for me, a chance to heal and a chance to retake control of my feelings.

I read a book shortly after we lost Braxton entitled Gone to Soon, it really helped me a lot. I also found myself obsessively looking online looking for any answers as to why and what the plans were for these sweet spirits. I just want to say that I KNOW that I will hold my little boy in my arms again, I know that he is doing my Father in Heavens work at this time and that someday if I live my life worthily I will be given the wonderful opportunity to raise him.

I found this quote I loved in all my searching that said: "The angel at the book of life wrote down my babies name and as she closed the book she whispered to beautiful for earth."

The bottom of Braxton's casket reads: "We will hold you again in Heaven" I know that we will!